Я ел сердце оленя убитого мной
анигдот на английскомA man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!
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14.03.2011 в 11:00вообще, такой длинный анекдот мог бы иметь концовку и посмешнее!
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15.03.2011 в 04:27